I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
