the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
