I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
