mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
