sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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