the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
