he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
