I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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