guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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