pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
if only i could text you this smell
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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