I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My butt remains clenched, sir.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
