You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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