toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
