Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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