I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
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