He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
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