This is not my ceiling
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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