At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
