I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
