I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
