it was like his penis was on wheels.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
