Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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