Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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