Your tits are I can't wait for
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
