I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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