"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
