As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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