Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
