i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
