I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
