I faked an abortion last night.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You're a waste of cheezeits
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
