then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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