So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
