he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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