that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
