he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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