Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
