Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Every concussion has its silver lining
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Randomize
