She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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