Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
