my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
