Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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