Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
