they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize