Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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