I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I checked into jail on foursquare
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
it's like heaven, but drunker
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
