Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
