Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
