An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
of course. lets lasso hookers.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
