if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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