someone get that fucking seahorse.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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