somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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