Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
