I didn't shave. On purpose
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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