What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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