the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
nutella sex= disaster
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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