I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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