You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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