i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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