this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
