last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
