I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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