I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
