she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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