Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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