Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
