I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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