the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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