Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Found your dick twin last night
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
