It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
