sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
