I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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