It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
