I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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